a long time coming...

i keep writing blogs.
or beginning to write them.
but then i dont post them.

i dont really know why...
i think its the perfectionist in me.
i want it to be perfect.
but i suppose thats never really going to happen?

so i endevour. no matter what.
i will press "publish post" once i finish typing this.
too bad if its not perfect.
it will be written.

i have been both extremely busy.
and not busy at all recently.
i've been doing lots.
but nothing of serious concession.
but i guess thats what holidays are for :)
i guess the scary part is that i know once uni goes back i'm not going to give anything up...
so my two jobs now *cheers*
and my boyfriend.
and my unhealthy addiction to sims 2.
and dance classes.
and camping trips.
and drinking.
and chillin out.
and watching charmed.
and watching harry potter.
and sitting in the spa.
going out for lunch with friends.
playing guitar hero.
or pool.

farrrr outt - i have enough trouble fitting it all in at the moment.
but i do.
and i KNOW i wont want to stop.
gah. its kinda depressing.
as of friday i'm 1/2 way through my holidays.
boooo!
thats not fair.
but alas. i will make the most of the time i have left.

seeing the boys on friday
dancer and germany
yay!
guitar hero time :)
with nacho's
and talking.
lots and lots of talking that has been sooo long forgotten and missed between those boys and myself.
but not for much longer.
wooo.

i start my new job on saturday.
9.30am.
toorak.
me and surveys.
ooooh yeaaah.
:)

can't explain how nice the holidays have been.
i've actually seen India at some point every day since i've been on holidays...
that will make it 3 weeks straight on friday.
which - it will be, because he's staying here tomorrow night.

i dont want him to leave.
he's going away for 2months.
and i know its lame.
but im really going to miss him.
:(
and we still have 5.5 series of charmed to finish.
how are we meant to do that if he is overseas?!
ahwell.
im a big girl. im sure i will survive.

i am so tired.
i walked home from ivanhoe station today
stayed at india's.
but i walked home, about 40min trip, which was fine.
except for some bizarre reason the top of my foot really hurt... random? iknow.
i walked because i didnt want to wake my mother.
i didnt want to wake her because her aunt died...
i came to the realization that death, is really scary.
im petrified of death. its unhealthy.
its enivitable. and whatever happens we will all go through it.
but i don't know if i can cope with the notion that there is nothing else.
and what if there is nothing else?
okay - so i may or may not have spent my entire walk home thinking about that.
and the fact that i think in blogform.
well - i dont really think thats correct.
its not BLOGform so much as, conversational?
i dont think to myself, i think as if im talking to someone else.
that person changes. and tends to be similar people when im mad or upset.
or if i feel like i need to justify my actions to a particular person.
does that make me strange?
does it make wierd that i feel that i need to defend my own actions?
probably.
but i've done it since before i can remember.
this equally reminds me of something else i do, thats really wierd.
ever since i was little, i've had a tendency to make up stories in my head.
i think its the only child in me...
but im not kidding.
and again, its in the storytelling voice.
things like
"today i went to the airport to meet my long lost twin brother" - which clearly didn't happen.
i imagine conversations, scenarios, dreams aspiriations a different past and future.
its quite wierd. but i suppose its a quirk?
anyyways where did this very long rant start?
oh yeah. im tired.
because i walked.
and then i decided it would be a good idea to do TWO dance classes.
both out of my league.
owww. my pooooor body.
i think my head is possibly going to hit the keyboard at any moment.
very heavy eyelids.
sooo tired.

spent time with perfect today.
no joke.
went to the art gallery.
wow - i have sophisticated friends.
but really.
i had a lovely time.
it had beeen MUCH too long since i had seen her.
we had a lovely lunch.
and a lovely chat about lifes big questions.
i think its the writer in her. or the fact shes so compasionate.
but talks like that with her. are always the best.
such as my aforementioned death fear.
we discussed that for a bit.

i think i might go to sleep.
sorry i dont have any other interesting news.
i suppose i should say, because i didnt publish the post, that the previous post said stuff about yabc. and that all you kiddies were awesome.
and camping trip 1. = amazing.
and that JUMPING PILLOWS are great.
there you go. very very very cliffnoted version.
goodnight readers.
xx

.

i really want a hug.

a specific.

well fitted.

closest thing to perfection hug.

why is friday so far away?

procrastinating.

why not use my blog to procrastinate?
i've used everything else =]

so - conclusion i came to

as much as i love tickle fights (i really do)
the bruising that my body will endure purely from this weekend is phenomenonal.
broken big toe nail.
sliced back of my heel.
oh yeah - and falling (being thrown) off the bed. countless times = extremely exhilirating.
and extremely dangerous.

ahwell
worthwhile.
definitely worthwhile.
also need to learn to sleep more
but talking to insignificant other people, is so much more enjoyable.

came to the realization, once again, that the world is a scary place.
bills - taxes. etc. who wants it? really? who? not me :(
wish i earned/had more money.
the whole world = scary place is doubly so when i realize just how little money i have and if i was thrown out and had to fend for myself. i really don't think i would be able to :(

wish i didnt work where i do.

might be going away this weekend after my final exam
*extreme happiness*
schoolies all over again.
actually thats a lie.
i hated schoolies.
this will be FUN :D
haha.
pumped to the max.

also pumped because weekend after next i am heading camping.
thats 3 days in a car/out bush with india
:) soooo excited guys. so very very excited :D

drowning in maths revision atm.
i both love. and hate. this subject.

finally.
somethings in life are worth fighting for.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

yes.
yes.
yes.

=]

mmm forgot my love for greenday.
haha. lame? maybe. still.

anyways. back to the books.
xx

rekindled love for breaking benjamin.

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin.

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Here we go
Does it hurt
Say goodbye
to this world
I will not
Be undone
Come to life
It gets worse.


As intense as these lyrics are.
its not what they say that i like.
its how they say it.
music is such a beautiful expression.
and i can't help but feel an emotional connection to the way they portray these songs.
maybe its because of my stressed emotional pre-exam state at the moment.
but i think its more than that.
its the way that certain things. and songs. and emotions.
relate to all people.
on some basic form will hit a chord if you let them.
not to mention certain chord progressions affecting us in certain ways.
but THATS getting a bit technical.

I suppose the point i'm trying to make.
is everybody can relate to being hurt.
to feeling hurt.
to suffering and having agony overtake them.
when you think its all over.
you give up.

but, at the end of the day.
its not the end.
something, or someone, will be there.
to pick up the pieces on the otherside.
to be there for you because its what you need.
to want to be there for you.
to be there - whether its what you were ready for or not.
and in the end - you will always be better for it.
unseemingly.
but true.

i don't know.
rant maybe?
relevance atm.
there isn't really any. but true non-the-less.
and i shall end it there.
with my final note
being.
stay happy.
and if your not happy.
strive for it.
its one of the best things in life.
and worth achieving, for every individual.

peace out.
xx